What Rejection Is Really About

Last week, a bunch of kids were playing on my street. A fight broke out. It ended quickly. But right after, one of the kids was left behind when all the other kids went off with the victor.

I can’t count the number of times I hear about a high school mean girl experience, where some outsider gets marginalized and humiliated.

On a more (or less) adult level, an employee gets a coveted promotion. Suddenly, a colleague he had lunch with every week isn’t available. Then a month later, he discovers this same colleague has begun a smear campaign against him. A month after that, he gets fired.

You might have heard or experienced similar events. You may even have been a part of such an event yourself. Most of us know what it’s like to be rejected.

If you’re like me, you’ll try to “fix” the situation by assuming as much responsibility you can imagine by apologizing, attempting to alter how you say things, being nicer, only to discover that nothing fixes it. You still end up rejected.

I hope it eventually dawns on you that the others’ rejection of you has nothing to do with you. You didn’t do anything wrong, or more accurately anything that wouldn’t have required a change in personality on your part.

That other person, or those other people, didn’t like you, or were jealous of you, or felt you were in the way of what they wanted. Or some other reason that was solely about them and not about you. This doesn’t imply you’re perfect or can’t learn and grow, but does mean you don’t need to be perfect to not be rejected.

It may not feel like much of a consolation, but it may save you a lot of misplaced self-recrimination and grief. From Jia Jiang in the Ted Talk below, Rather than letting rejection define you, try letting your own response to rejection define them.

Quote of the Week

“I don’t want anyone who doesn’t want me.”
― Oprah Winfrey

What I learned from 100 days of rejection

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Maryanne Nicholls is a Registered Psychotherapist.  To find out more, gain access to her weekly newsletter, meditations and programs, sign up at www.thejoyofliving.co . 

If you’re interested in the topic of avoiding burnout for people who do too much, you may be interested in checking out my youtube channel.