Why Decisions Need Daylight

I was speaking with a friend the other day about choices: she had a decision to make that was difficult, not only because it was momentous but also because it was emotional. She wanted to talk it over with her friends so that whatever decision she ended up making would be something she could live with.

I’ve done that and always appreciated the clarity I received from simply bringing it to the light of day. I’ve also not done that, making decisions based solely on my own thought processes. Sometimes these ended up being good decisions. Sometimes they led to circumstances I deeply regretted.

What happens when I keep something to myself is that any thought process or perspective is one-sided. My thinking is based only on the stories I tell myself, and I know for sure that my own stories only grow increasingly wilder the more I dwell on them.

Here’s a trivial example. When I first moved to Toronto it was to attend university. Once I’d found a room close to the university, I had the things I wanted to travel with me for the next 4 or 5 years sent along. One of those things was my very old (and treasured) sewing machine: an original 1945 portable Pfaff (I still have, and use, that Pfaff). I was present when the delivery truck arrived. The truck hand literally threw the box holding the sewing machine onto the pavement. Given its sturdiness (it weighs about 50 pounds – barely “portable”), the machine survived, although the cover was damaged.

I stewed for days about how my cherished item had been recklessly treated, then decided to rectify the situation forever by building a fool-proof cover made of one-inch thick plywood. I bought a six-foot length of plywood to make the indestructible cover, and stored it in my small room. There it stayed for the 4 years, because practically speaking I’d also need to get a saw and other tools and then learn how to use them. Twenty years later, I finally gave that piece of wood away. It was heavy, took up needed room, and would have been ridiculously impractical as a sewing machine cover for an already heavy sewing machine.

The point of this story is this: my initial reaction was over the top, and had I stopped first to consider the consequences I would have chosen a different approach. I think of this event these days whenever I’m about to make a decision when I’m emotional, and for that reason,  it has served its purpose.

I’ve since made many consequential decisions – more consequential than the one above, both good and bad. What I’ve learned from every one of them is that, no matter what, they have impacted my life in ways I would never have foreseen. They have changed me and moved me forward, at times defining my path.

Quote of the Week

We all make choices but in the end our choices make us.

-Ken Levine

The art of choosing

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Maryanne Nicholls is a Registered Psychotherapist.  To find out more, gain access to her weekly newsletter, meditations and programs, sign up at www.thejoyofliving.co . 

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