When You Doubt Yourself More Than Others

I was with a friend today who complained about her tendency to give others the benefit of the doubt over herself. What happens with her over and over is when she does that, she almost always regrets it, realizing too late that she would have been better off to go with what she, herself, had thought.

Even though she knows this, she finds herself falling into that same old hole. I’m familiar with that hole: It comes from habitual self-doubt, and that means if I want to change my automatic reaction to self-doubt, I will have to replace that old habit with a new one. That’s never easy, but it is possible.

Here’s what I did to change it:

-  Personal kindness. This may seem like an odd thing to say first, and yet one thing so many of us do is get angry with ourselves. That anger is really misplaced because it’s not about us, but about the fact that we have developed over many years an unhelpful habit. So, instead of anger, be kind and know that altering a well-established habit will take time and patience.

-  Be aware of how it feels when you give others the benefit of the doubt over yourself. There is always an element of fear based on doubting ourselves. While you may not actually feel it, you may notice the thoughts, such as “Do I really know what I’m talking about?”, or “This person sounds so sure of themselves!”, or other thoughts designed to feature the virtues of that other person over yourself. If you are able to notice the feelings, take note of them: for me, when I experience self-doubt, there is always a feeling in my chest that is almost one of catching my breath.

-  Give yourself the gift of space. I’m really referring to inner space – take a few long and slow breaths so that you have a chance to make some space inside you. This will help you gain perspective that you might otherwise not have. What those few breaths always do is provide grounding by engaging our Vagus system.

-  Decide from that balanced space. For instance, you might reconsider your opinion of your knowledge or stance and that of the other; you might decide to do some research for corroboration of the 2 opinions before deciding. However you approach it, you will at least give your own opinion a fighting chance.

Sometimes we doubt ourselves for good reasons. Even so, it’s never good to doubt ourselves over others.

Quote of the Week

Our doubts are traitors, 
and make us lose the good we oft might win, 
by fearing to attempt.

― Willian Shakespeare, Measure for Measure

Alex Smith: An NFL quarterback on overcoming setbacks and self-doubt

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Maryanne Nicholls is a Registered Psychotherapist.  To find out more, gain access to her weekly newsletter, meditations and programs, sign up at www.thejoyofliving.co . 

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